When it comes to self-confidence, I'd have to say on a scale from one to ten -- with ten being the cockiest teenaged hero who ever swaggered across a football field, and one being Eeyore, I am probably about an eight. (Maybe even an eight and a half on a good day.) That is, I am pretty comfortable with who I am and how others see me. It was not always so. I had to outgrow terrible childhood shyness when I nearly hated myself for my inability to speak to or be noticed by others.
Once in awhile when I have a particularly hard challenge, I tend to revert back to that shy, fearful child, I am filled with self-doubt to the point of self-loathing. It can be as a result of decisions my children are making which I can possibly trace back to questionable parenting. It can be because - in my estimation - I am not fulfilling a calling well. It happens sometimes in my daily interactions when I am not as bold a missionary as I know I should be. Those "I should haves" are particularly deadly.
Whenever these moments strike me, if I am not careful, they debilitate me. If I am not careful, I chasten myself into a depressed and functionless mess. My hard-earned confidence doesn't save me. The only way I know to get help is to put my head down, ask for spiritual help, and try to feel my Savior's love. Almost always -- in fact, always -- I do.
In a small measure, I relate to Alma the Younger's testimony to his son Helaman. "I cried within my heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death. And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my pains no more... And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!" (Alma 36:18-20) In those moments, I am grateful for the Savior's power to bring me out of my self-loathing and to help me feel confident of myself again. I am grateful that He also pours out His confidence in me.
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