Parenting series notes: Helping foster independence and responsibility in adolescent children while maintaining age-appropriate boundaries

Important Principles

Commit to thoughtful parenting in partnership with your spouse if applicable.

• Practicing being intentional parents
• Am I in or not?  “I’m all in.”
• Esp. important given that age 0-8 is the formative stage and the only time to set your child’s trajectory.
• Deliberate focus.  Silicon Valley pace = at least one of you has to be committed to the parenting thing.  If you have 2 parents full time, it’s too easy to get consumed w/ your job.

Children/teens have zero tolerance for adult hypocrisy.
If what you’re doing now isn’t working, try something different.

Cannot teach them just to be responsible.  Responsibility can’t be taught; It has to be caught.

• Power of failure sans rescue.
• Empathic language “Oh, that’s a bummer” vs. “I told you so.”  
• Risks of hovercrafting robs child of opportunities to fail.  Consistent rescuing messages to the child you cannot be trusted to do it yourself; similarly you rob them of the pride that results from doing it themselves.
• Some differences btw. rescue vs. being on the same team are:
• Is it a pattern?
• Is the child taking initiative to ask for what they need or are you automatically just coming to their rescue?
• Are they willing to make some kind of appropriate trade for the effort they are asking you invest in whatever the rescue act?

Challenging parenting types/patterns to be aware of

• Supercharged helicopter parents
• Military drill sergeant parent
• You want to trigger the prefrontal cortex brain vs. the amygdala
• If you cannot control your upset, better to keep the mouth shut vs. flipping your lid
• Laissez faire = the parent doesn’t know what to do so they do nothing
• Child ends up despising/having contempt for the parent b/c they need boundaries & limits

Takeaways = show love and logic through allowing natural consequences to take their course

Adults must set firm, loving limits, using enforceable statements without showing anger, lecturing, or using threats.

When a child causes a problem/encounters a problem, the adult shows empathy through sadness and sorrow and then lovingly hands the problem and its consequences back to the child. (The monkey is on the back of the child, not the parent...the child feels responsible for solving the problem.)

• Set up the environment so they can fail being careful to insure that their failure only impacts them, not others.
• Set them up for success with expectations clearly stated that include choice A or choice B both of which
• Involves no skin off your nose
• Both of the options will work for you
• This allows them to be agentic

• The principle of eating the elephant

• Story of Aaron & 4th grade & forgetting the Explorer report notecards
• Need for diligence in our own faithfulness w.r.t. our attitudes to the church
• What is coming out of my mouth today and how will that impact my children tomorrow?  What am I saying today when my kids are little and how is that going to rollout when they are teenagers?
• Example 1:  We’re on vacation so we don’t need to go to church.
• Kids can sniff out hypocrisy from a mile away and will write you off if they perceive you to be a phony
• Example 2: Todd’s siblings talking ill about their father in front of their father is now being repeated by THEIR children about their own fathers.
• It’s never too late...
  
  
  Building self confident kids who listen to their internal voice instead of peers, media
  The Stool Analogy:
  Leg 1: They feel Unconditionally Loved by their special people (parents)
  Leg 2: “I have the skills I need to make it.”
  Never pass judgement on the work of children when they are trying to learn...work with them, make it fun.
  Leg 3: I am capable of taking control of my life
  Allow them to learn to make decisions at a young age by giving them two choices that are acceptable to you…
  Encourage them to solve the problem.
  
  The Power of Example - study this talk!
  A Prayer for the Children, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, April 2003 GC
•  Resources:
  “Parenting with Love and Logic” by Foster Cline and Jim Fay
  
  These authors have parlayed this concept into a huge business..tons of online resources, tons of stuff to buy, speakers, classes, etc. We put a few links below from their website, but really just encourage you to check the book out from the library or buy a copy of the basic book above if interested. There are some good principles to consider, without needing to become a devoted follower.
  
  The book above will outline how to be a Consultant Parent. Examples of effective language that will encourage your child to learn how to solve their own problems and become a responsible child/teen/adult, are found within.

 Handout Links:
This link is a sample of what your life could be like if your children don’t learn how to take care of their own business when they are young...and some possible steps that will be needed to encourage the young adults to be independent:
https://www.loveandlogic.com/articles-advice/when-its-time-for-them-to-get-a-life

https://www.loveandlogic.com/articles-advice/parents
https://www.loveandlogic.com/parents/faq

Cultivating an Attitude of Happiness and Spirit of Optimism- February 12, 2017

Tina D. taught our lesson this week from Chapter 3 in the Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Gordon B Hinckley Manual- Cultivating an Attitude of Happiness and Spirit of Optimism.


1 Even when many people are negative and pessimistic, we can cultivate a spirit of happiness and optimism. 

First, we discussed how we need to remember to "look deeper" for the good. Happiness and optimism are a choice we have to make every day.

President Hinckley always encouraged us to be positive: "I am asking that we stop seeking out the storms and enjoy more fully the sunlight. I am suggesting that as we go through life, we accentuate the positive. I am asking that we look a little deeper for the good, that we still voices of insult and sarcasm, that we more generously compliment virtue and effort. I am not asking that all criticism be silenced. Growth comes of correction. Strength comes of repentance. Wise is the man who can acknowledge mistakes pointed out by others and change his course."

President Hinckley also taught that "we must turn from the negativism that permeates our society and look for the remarkable good among those with whom we associate, that we speak of one another's virtues more than we speak of one another's faults, that optimism replace pessimism, that our faith exceed our fears."

Why do we need this council today? 

Some comments from our sisters:

-Sometimes it feels impossible, especially with the devastating situations that some of us face. We must try to look for good and find something to hold onto to help you get to the next point. The reality is, we may not be happy all the time, and we can acknowledge that we will have bad days, and try to cultivate things that are positive even on those bad days. 

-How to deal with negativity: Find someone who will listen, let out all of your troubled feelings to them, and then leave it behind. Have a safe way to let out your anger to someone. 

-Use a creative outlet to make others happy when you are feeling down. You can still take action and think of others. 

-Go for a walk, it can lift your spirits to be outside. 

-Try journaling.


2 Rather than dwell on our problems, we can let a spirit of thanksgiving guide and bless us. 

How are you blessed when you have a spirit of thanksgiving?

Some comments from our sisters:

-The older I get, the more skeptical I am of "happy." Joy is happy and we can't have joy without pain. When you have joy you have thanksgiving. An attitude of gratitude can help you get there. 

-Make conscious choices to be grateful, even when our situation is not ideal or what we imagined. 

-In the Lamaze method of childbirth, we are taught not to think of the pain and to concentrate on other things. We can use our bandwidth for the good. 

-Try to be happy for others, it helps take away the comparison you may feel. 

-Check in and notice what makes you happy. Examine how you are feeling inside. Notice your triggers- what brings you down? What do you need to change? Ask yourself what is bringing you happiness and that's what you need to focus on. 

-Keep up, and keep happy. When you are not happy, you are not keeping up. Try to brighten up the world which in turn can lift your spirits. 

3 The gospel of Jesus Christ gives us a reason for gladness

Gordon B Hinckley:
"Regardless of your way of doing things in the past, I offer you a challenge … to square your lives with the teachings of the gospel, to look upon this Church with love and respect and appreciation as the mother of your faith, to live your lives as an example of what the gospel of Jesus Christ will do in bringing happiness to an individual."

President Hinckley also relayed the words of Jenkins Lloyd Jones: “Life is like an old-time rail journey—delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed.

“The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.” (Deseret News, 12 June 1973.)

We were reminded that the little day to day choices we make can influence the track upon which we run. 

4 The gospel is a message of triumph to be embraced with enthusiasm, affection, and optimism.

5 With knowledge that we are all children of God, we can stand a little taller, rise a little higher, and be a little better.

Encouragement from President Hinckley:

"There is also in our society a sad tendency among many of us to belittle ourselves. Other persons may appear to us to be sure of themselves, but the fact is that most of us have some feelings of inferiority. The important thing is not to talk to yourself about it. … The important thing is to make the best of all that we have.

Don’t waste your time feeling sorry for yourself. Don’t belittle yourself. Never forget that you are a child of God. You have a divine birthright. Something of the very nature of God is within you."

Presidency message: Feb 6. 2017

Thank you Sara G for giving a wonderful Presidency message.
Here are some of the highlights

"Attacks against the Church, its' doctrine, and our way of life are going to increase. Because of this, We need women who have a BEDROCK UNDERSTANDING of the doctrine of Christ and who will use that understanding to teach and help raise a sin-resistant generation.

- We need women who can detect deception in all of its forms.

- We need women who know how to access the power that God makes available to covenant keepers and

- Who express their beliefs with confidence and charity.

- We need women who have the courage and vision of our Mother Eve."

   Elder Russell M. Nelson (CR Nov. 2015)

"There are three areas I believe are foundational to strong testimonies and that I consider to be essential to our understanding: 

First, we need to acknowledge the centrality of God our Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, to our faith and salvation...

Second, we need to understand the need for the restoration of the doctrine, organization, and keys of authority in these latter days...

And third, we need to study and understand temple ordinances and covenants..."

-Bonnie Oscarson (Young Women General President) General Conference Oct 2016