Parenting series notes: Helping foster independence and responsibility in adolescent children while maintaining age-appropriate boundaries

Important Principles

Commit to thoughtful parenting in partnership with your spouse if applicable.

• Practicing being intentional parents
• Am I in or not?  “I’m all in.”
• Esp. important given that age 0-8 is the formative stage and the only time to set your child’s trajectory.
• Deliberate focus.  Silicon Valley pace = at least one of you has to be committed to the parenting thing.  If you have 2 parents full time, it’s too easy to get consumed w/ your job.

Children/teens have zero tolerance for adult hypocrisy.
If what you’re doing now isn’t working, try something different.

Cannot teach them just to be responsible.  Responsibility can’t be taught; It has to be caught.

• Power of failure sans rescue.
• Empathic language “Oh, that’s a bummer” vs. “I told you so.”  
• Risks of hovercrafting robs child of opportunities to fail.  Consistent rescuing messages to the child you cannot be trusted to do it yourself; similarly you rob them of the pride that results from doing it themselves.
• Some differences btw. rescue vs. being on the same team are:
• Is it a pattern?
• Is the child taking initiative to ask for what they need or are you automatically just coming to their rescue?
• Are they willing to make some kind of appropriate trade for the effort they are asking you invest in whatever the rescue act?

Challenging parenting types/patterns to be aware of

• Supercharged helicopter parents
• Military drill sergeant parent
• You want to trigger the prefrontal cortex brain vs. the amygdala
• If you cannot control your upset, better to keep the mouth shut vs. flipping your lid
• Laissez faire = the parent doesn’t know what to do so they do nothing
• Child ends up despising/having contempt for the parent b/c they need boundaries & limits

Takeaways = show love and logic through allowing natural consequences to take their course

Adults must set firm, loving limits, using enforceable statements without showing anger, lecturing, or using threats.

When a child causes a problem/encounters a problem, the adult shows empathy through sadness and sorrow and then lovingly hands the problem and its consequences back to the child. (The monkey is on the back of the child, not the parent...the child feels responsible for solving the problem.)

• Set up the environment so they can fail being careful to insure that their failure only impacts them, not others.
• Set them up for success with expectations clearly stated that include choice A or choice B both of which
• Involves no skin off your nose
• Both of the options will work for you
• This allows them to be agentic

• The principle of eating the elephant

• Story of Aaron & 4th grade & forgetting the Explorer report notecards
• Need for diligence in our own faithfulness w.r.t. our attitudes to the church
• What is coming out of my mouth today and how will that impact my children tomorrow?  What am I saying today when my kids are little and how is that going to rollout when they are teenagers?
• Example 1:  We’re on vacation so we don’t need to go to church.
• Kids can sniff out hypocrisy from a mile away and will write you off if they perceive you to be a phony
• Example 2: Todd’s siblings talking ill about their father in front of their father is now being repeated by THEIR children about their own fathers.
• It’s never too late...
  
  
  Building self confident kids who listen to their internal voice instead of peers, media
  The Stool Analogy:
  Leg 1: They feel Unconditionally Loved by their special people (parents)
  Leg 2: “I have the skills I need to make it.”
  Never pass judgement on the work of children when they are trying to learn...work with them, make it fun.
  Leg 3: I am capable of taking control of my life
  Allow them to learn to make decisions at a young age by giving them two choices that are acceptable to you…
  Encourage them to solve the problem.
  
  The Power of Example - study this talk!
  A Prayer for the Children, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, April 2003 GC
•  Resources:
  “Parenting with Love and Logic” by Foster Cline and Jim Fay
  
  These authors have parlayed this concept into a huge business..tons of online resources, tons of stuff to buy, speakers, classes, etc. We put a few links below from their website, but really just encourage you to check the book out from the library or buy a copy of the basic book above if interested. There are some good principles to consider, without needing to become a devoted follower.
  
  The book above will outline how to be a Consultant Parent. Examples of effective language that will encourage your child to learn how to solve their own problems and become a responsible child/teen/adult, are found within.

 Handout Links:
This link is a sample of what your life could be like if your children don’t learn how to take care of their own business when they are young...and some possible steps that will be needed to encourage the young adults to be independent:
https://www.loveandlogic.com/articles-advice/when-its-time-for-them-to-get-a-life

https://www.loveandlogic.com/articles-advice/parents
https://www.loveandlogic.com/parents/faq

Family Councils - July 24, 2016

Tina taught our lesson from the April General Conference talk "Family Councils" by Elder M. Russell Ballard.

She detailed the four kinds of councils Elder Ballard spoke about:

1. Full Family Council (both parents and all children)*
2. Executive Council (just parents)
3. Limited Council (both parents and one child)
4. One-on-one Councils (one parent and one child)

*this can also be applied to a roommate situation also

"Now, brothers and sisters, there was a time when the walls of our homes provided all the defense we needed against outside intrusions and influences. We locked the doors, closed the windows; we shut the gates; and we felt safe, secure, and protected in our own little refuge from the outside world.

Those days are now gone. The physical walls, doors, fences, and gates of our homes cannot prevent unseen invasion from the Internet, the Wi-Fi, the mobile phones, the networks. They can penetrate our homes with just a few clicks and keystrokes.

Fortunately, the Lord has provided a way to counter the invasion of negative technology that can distract us from spending quality time with each other. He has done this by providing the council system to strengthen, protect, safeguard, and nurture our most precious relationships.

Children desperately need parents willing to listen to them, and the family council can provide a time during which family members can learn to understand and love one another." ("Family Councils")

"My brothers and sisters, the irony of being parents is that we tend to get good at it after our children are grown." ("Family Councils")

• How do you gather your families together for councils?

The Sabbath is a Delight - August 23, 2015

Tina D. taught the lesson today using Elder Russell M. Nelson's talk "The Sabbath Is a Delight" with a great discussion from her questions.

• How can you ensure that your behavior on the Sabbath will lead to joy and rejoicing?

"The question for each of us is: because of what I have heard and felt during this conference, how will I change? Whatever your answer might be, may I invite you also to examine your feelings about, and your behavior on, the Sabbath day.

I am intrigued by the words of Isaiah, who called the Sabbath “a delight.” Yet I wonder, is the Sabbath really a delight for you and for me?" (The Sabbath Is a Delight)

• What did the Savior mean when He said that the Sabbath was made for man, and not man for the Sabbath?

"I believe He wanted us to understand that the Sabbath was His gift to us, granting real respite from the rigors of daily life and an opportunity for spiritual and physical renewal." (The Sabbath Is a Delight)

• What does this look like to you?

Keeping the Law of Chastity - August 9, 2015

Colette T. taught from Chapter 17: Keeping the Law of Chastity  in the Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Ezra Taft Benson with examples she has seen in the world and teachings from the For the Strength of Youth pamphlet. She reminded us of the many supporting influences we can be to youth learning this principle.

"Our Heavenly Father desires nothing for us but to be happy. He tells us only those things that will bring us joy. And one of the surest principles given by God to help us find that joy is the law of chastity. I pray with all my heart that you will consider most solemnly the joyful consequences of keeping this law, and the tragic consequences of violating it."(Keeping the Law of Chastity)

"When you are sexually pure, you prepare yourself to make and keep sacred covenants in the temple. You prepare yourself to build a strong marriage and to bring children into the world as part of an eternal and loving family. You protect yourself from the spiritual and emotional damage that come from sharing sexual intimacy outside of marriage. You also protect yourself from harmful diseases. Remaining sexually pure helps you to be confident and truly happy and improves your ability to make good decisions now and in the future." (For the Strength of Youth)

Marriage and Family - Ordained of God/The Sacred Callings of Fathers and Mothers

Thanks to Rebecca S. for a great mash-up of two chapters from the Ezra Taft Benson Manual: Marriage and Family—Ordained of God and The Sacred Callings of Fathers and Mothers.  Kind guidance for us as a daughter, wife or mother, if we are now or are preparing to be. I know I've applied many of these to my role as an aunt.  Thanks again Rebecca!

There can be no satisfactory substitute for the home. Its foundation is as ancient as the world. Its mission has been God-ordained.

No nation ever rises above its homes. This Church will never rise above its homes. We are no better as a people than are our firesides, our homes. … The good home is the rock foundation, the cornerstone of civilization. It must be preserved. It must be strengthened.
 

Some people ask me as a Church leader why we place so much emphasis on the home and family when there are such larger problems around us? The answer is, of course, that the larger problems are merely a reflection of individual and family problems. (Marriage and Family—Ordained of God)

The scriptures tell us: “Adam began to till the earth … as I the Lord had commanded him. And Eve, also, his wife, did labor with him. … They began to multiply and to replenish the earth. … And Adam and Eve, his wife, called upon the name of the Lord. … And Adam and Eve blessed the name of God, and they made all things known unto their sons and their daughters. … And Adam and Eve, his wife, ceased not to call upon God.” (Moses 5:1–2, 4, 12, 16.)
 

From this inspired record we see that Adam and Eve provided us with an ideal example of a covenant marriage relationship. They labored together; they had children together; they prayed together; and they taught their children the gospel--together. This is the pattern God would have all righteous men and women imitate. (Marriage and Family—Ordained of God)

• Have you had times when your two vantage points merged together?

Spiritual growth comes by solving problems together--not by running from them. Today’s inordinate emphasis on individualism brings egotism and separation. Two individuals becoming “one flesh” is still the Lord’s standard. (See Gen. 2:24.) (Marriage and Family—Ordained of God)

"I said what I said and I meant what I said, an elephant is loyal 100%." Horton Hatches the Egg

Be fiercely loyal.

• How do you create a foundation of support?

Sister Benson acknowledged: “No one is perfect. In our family it is not our objective to magnify each other’s shortcomings, but to encourage one another to improve.” (The Sacred Callings of Fathers and Mothers)

The Book of Mormon - May 24, 2015

Natalie M. taught the lesson from two chapters of the President Ezra Taft Benson manual: Chapter 9, The Book of Mormon—Keystone of Our Religion and Chapter 10, Flooding the Earth and Our Lives with the Book of Mormon.

“I bless you with increased understanding of the Book of Mormon. I promise you that from this moment forward, if we will daily sup from its pages and abide by its precepts, God will pour out upon each child of Zion and the Church a blessing hitherto unknown..." Chapter 9: The Book of Mormon—Keystone of Our Religion

• What you have learned about the Savior by studying the Book of Mormon?

Our beloved brother, President Marion G. Romney, … who knows of himself of the power that resides in this book, testified of the blessings that can come into the lives of those who will read and study the Book of Mormon. He said:
        “I feel certain that if, in our homes, parents will read from the Book of Mormon prayerfully and regularly, both by themselves and with their children, the spirit of that great book will come to permeate our homes and all who dwell therein. The spirit of reverence will increase; mutual respect and consideration for each other will grow. The spirit of contention will depart. Parents will counsel their children in greater love and wisdom. Children will be more responsive and submissive to the counsel of their parents. Righteousness will increase. Faith, hope, and charity--the pure love of Christ--will abound in our homes and lives, bringing in their wake peace, joy, and happiness” (Ensign, May 1980, p. 67).
Chapter 9: The Book of Mormon—Keystone of Our Religion

17 Wherefore, I the Lord, knowing the calamity which should come upon the inhabitants of the earth, called upon my servant Joseph Smith, Jun., and spake unto him from heaven, and gave him commandments;
18 And also gave commandments to others, that they should proclaim these things unto the world; and all this that it might be fulfilled, which was written by the prophets--
19 The weak things of the world shall come forth and break down the mighty and strong ones, that man should not counsel his fellow man, neither trust in the arm of flesh--
D&C 1:17-19

6 Thou fool, that shall say: A Bible, we have got a Bible, and we need no more Bible. Have ye obtained a Bible save it were by the Jews?
7 Know ye not that there are more nations than one? Know ye not that I, the Lord your God, have created all men, and that I remember those who are upon the isles of the sea; and that I rule in the heavens above and in the earth beneath; and I bring forth my word unto the children of men, yea, even upon all the nations of the earth?
8 Wherefore murmur ye, because that ye shall receive more of my word? Know ye not that the testimony of two nations is a witness unto you that I am God, that I remember one nation like unto another? Wherefore, I speak the same words unto one nation like unto another. And when the two nations shall run together the testimony of the two nations shall run together also.
9 And I do this that I may prove unto many that I am the same yesterday, today, and forever; and that I speak forth my words according to mine own pleasure. And because that I have spoken one word ye need not suppose that I cannot speak another; for my work is not yet finished; neither shall it be until the end of man, neither from that time henceforth and forever.
10 Wherefore, because that ye have a Bible ye need not suppose that it contains all my words; neither need ye suppose that I have not caused more to be written.
2 Nephi 29:6-10

• What are the lessons you have been taught from the Book of Mormon?

There is a power in the book which will begin to flow into your lives the moment you begin a serious study of the book. You will find greater power to resist temptation. You will find the power to avoid deception. You will find the power to stay on the strait and narrow path. The scriptures are called “the words of life” (D&C 84:85), and nowhere is that more true than it is of the Book of Mormon. When you begin to hunger and thirst after those words, you will find life in greater and greater abundance. Chapter 10, Flooding the Earth and Our Lives with the Book of Mormon

Now the spirit, as well as the body, is in need of constant nourishment. Yesterday’s meal is not enough to sustain today’s needs. So also an infrequent reading of “the most correct of any book on earth,” as Joseph Smith called it, is not enough. (History of the Church, 4:461.) Chapter 10, Flooding the Earth and Our Lives with the Book of Mormon

• Are there any scriptures in the Book of Mormon that relate to challenges we are facing today?

Free Forever, to Act for Themselves - December 28, 2014

Our last lesson of 2014 was given by Tina D. using Elder D. Todd Christofferson's talk Free, Forever to Act for Themselves about agency given to man.

"It is God’s will that we be free men and women enabled to rise to our full potential both temporally and spiritually." (Free, Forever to Act for Themselves)

'[from "Henry V"]"Every subject’s duty is the king’s; but every subject’s soul is his own." comes down to "who bears responsibility for what happens in our lives? When things go wrong?' (Free, Forever to Act for Themselves)

As children get older you hope they draw on what you tech them but they have their agency.

"But God intends that His children should act according to the moral agency He has given them" (Free, Forever to Act for Themselves)

"Nor will His prophets accept the role of “puppet master” in God’s place." (Free, Forever to Act for Themselves)

You may feel like a puppet master of your children's lives but sometimes we need to let them make mistakes to learn and use their agency.

'We should (and we do) rejoice in the God-ordained plan that permits us to make choices to act for ourselves and experience the consequences, or as the scriptures express it, to “taste the bitter, that [we] may know to prize the good.” ' (Free, Forever to Act for Themselves)

• Why must we taste the bitter to understand?

Thanks Tina for a great lesson!

Individual Responsibility - October 19, 2014

Natalie M. taught from Chapter 23: Individual Responsibility in the Joseph Fielding Smith manual with direction from the scriptures and Daughters in My Kingdom.

from “A Wide and Extensive Sphere of Action” in Daughters in My Kingdom

After break out groups discussed certain scriptures each reported some of the following findings:
We can only give ourself, recognizing it's personal and gradual.
Be cheerful and patient, Heavenly Father is there to get us through our burdens, turn to Him to get strength. He knows our problems and visits us in our afflictions.
See needs and do. Have faith, remain humble. Before we help others, we need to be able to take care of ourselves. Service by not having to constantly rely on others.
We can be more open to be angels to lift others.  Asking for and receiving help is part of being self-reliant, recognizing when you need help.
Do things in the Lord's way and time, don't be prideful.

• What can we do to teach children self reliance?

Start teaching skills at a young age, let them gain ownership. Give them space to be, to rely on The Lord.
Watch your attitude when serving or being self-reliant, don't be stressed out, see a need and get it done.
Be good example. "Cook your own turkey, put up your own tent"

Lesson Summary: August 10, 2014

Tina D. gave the lesson from Chapter 19 In the World but Not of the World with emphasis on how to help the youth.

"Despite the grief President Smith experienced [at the loss of his son], he was comforted by the memory of Lewis’s good life." (Chapter 19: In the World but Not of the World)

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
John 14:27

Tina has felt the comfort and peace that President Joseph Fielding Smith spoke of since she's joined the Church. Trials seemed easier, and now there's peace, often through priesthood blessings.

• Think about some challenges our youth face today when their parents are not with them?

We need to give them as many opportunities to go to Heavenly Father before they leave our homes and let them know that they love you in all circumstances.

And when he had called the people unto him with his disciples also, he said unto them, Whosoever will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; but whosoever shall lose his life for my sake and the gospel’s, the same shall save it. For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?
Mark 8:34-36

This scripture can be daunting to youth but they need to accept that they are enough, they can consecrate themselves to the Lord, and He responds with abundance.

And that thou mayest more fully keep thyself unspotted from the world, thou shalt go to the house of prayer and offer up thy sacraments upon my holy day; For verily this is a day appointed unto you to rest from your labors, and to pay thy devotions unto the Most High;
Doctrine & Covenants 59:9-10

"Nothing is so distressing or shocks the feelings of a refined person more than to hear some uncouth, ignorant, or filthy creature bandy around the name of Deity. Some individuals have become so profane that it appears almost impossible for them to speak two or three sentences without the emphasis--as they think--of a vulgar or blasphemous oath."
(Chapter 19: In the World but Not of the World)

It can be hard to live up to the Gospel. Basic commandments are challenging in this world, especially as a youth.
Tina related a story from a vacation to Las Vegas. After becoming frazzled protecting her boys she prayed for help and saw the promotional street teams ignore her sons she knew she needed to let go and trust the Lord will take care of them.

• What can we do to help the youth stay strong in making good choices in such situations?

Teach them your process for dealing with life's struggles, how prayer can lead to the best choice.

• What are the blessings when we do keep the commandments?

Instead of seeing the commandments as limiting and punitive, see them as "Joy guidelines."

Lesson Summary June 8, 2014

Natalie M. led our discussion of Chapter 14: The Gift of the Holy Ghost in the Joseph Fielding Smith manual.

• When has the Spirit prompted you to help someone?

"The Spirit of God speaking to the spirit of man has power to impart truth with greater effect and understanding than the truth can be imparted by personal contact even with heavenly beings." (Chapter 14: The Gift of the Holy Ghost)

• In what ways is communication to our spirits different from communication to our ears or our eyes? How is it more powerful?

"Every man can receive a manifestation of the Holy Ghost, even when he is out of the Church, if he is earnestly seeking for the light and for the truth. The Holy Ghost will come and give the man the testimony he is seeking, and then withdraw." (Chapter 14: The Gift of the Holy Ghost)

Elder Bednar described it as the beams of a sunrise.

• What are some differences between receiving a manifestation of the Spirit and receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost?

"What a glorious privilege this is to be guided constantly by the Holy Ghost and to have the mysteries of the kingdom of God made manifest." (Chapter 14: The Gift of the Holy Ghost)

• In what ways have you been blessed through the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost?

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23

• What can we do to prepare to receive the companionship of the Holy Ghost?

"It is the privilege of every baptized person to have an abiding testimony of the restoration of the gospel, but this testimony will grow dim and eventually disappear unless we are constantly receiving spiritual good through study, obedience, and diligent seeking to know and understand the truth." (Chapter 14: The Gift of the Holy Ghost)

• How can parents teach their children to recognize and receive this guidance? How can we teach others about the Spirit?

Lesson Summary May 11, 2014: "The Significance of the Sacrament"

Natalie M led the discussion using the Joseph Fielding Smith manual lesson #6 "The Significance of the Sacrament" 

Natalie started off the lesson sharing a story about her mother. She shared a discussion she had with her mother right before she passed away. Her mother wanted to be buried where she would get the most visitors. Her mother wanted to be remembered, just like the Savior wants us to remember him.

3 Nephi 18:7: 

7 And this shall ye do in remembrance of my body, which I have shown unto you. And it shall be a testimony unto the Father that ye do always remember me. And if ye do always remember me ye shall have my Spirit to be with you.

We meet every week to partake of the sacrament, and by partaking of the sacrament we remember Him. This is the most important part of the Sunday meeting.

Bible dictionary: Sacrifice

"Soon after Adam and Eve were cast out of the Garden of Eden, the Lord gave them the law of sacrifices, which included offering the firstlings of their flocks in a similitude of the sacrifice that would be made of the Only Begotten Son of God (Moses 5:4–8). Thereafter, whenever there were true believers on the earth, with priesthood authority, sacrifices were offered in that manner and for that purpose. This continued until the death of Jesus Christ, which ended the shedding of blood as a gospel ordinance. It is now replaced in the Church by the sacrament of the bread and the water, in remembrance of the offering of Jesus Christ."

How can we prepare ourselves each week for the sacrament?
different ideas were discussed, including taking advantage to prepare before hand.

The person who absents himself from a sacrament meeting week after week and month after month, and nothing prevents him from coming, is not loyal to the truth. He does not love it. If he did, he would be present to partake of these emblems—just a little piece of bread, a little cup of water. He would want to do that to show his love for the truth and his loyal service to the Son of God. (Joseph Fielding Smith manual) 

What can parents do to help children prepare to take the sacrament?

Ideas given: try not to play with toys/draw with crayons until sacrament over, appreciate people who set a good example to children of being reverent during the sacrament, love kids and be patient

Why do we partake of the sacrament? To remember the covenants we have made.
The sacramental prayer discusses these 4 covenants.

1. We eat in remembrance of the body of Jesus Christ, promising that we will always remember His wounded body slain upon the cross.

2. We drink in remembrance of the blood which was shed for the sins of the world, which atoned for the transgression of Adam, and which frees us from our own sins on condition of our true repentance.

3. We covenant that we will be willing to take upon us the name of the Son and always remember Him. In keeping this covenant we promise that we will be called by His name and never do anything that would bring shame or reproach upon that name.

4. We covenant that we will keep His commandments which He has given us; not one commandment, but that we will be willing to “live by every word that proceedeth forth from the mouth of God.” [D&C 84:44.]

How have these covenants influenced your life?
Susan W shared her experience:

Susan discussed how she took sacrament prayer for granted for a while.  She shared how her sons Timothy death has changed how she thinks of the sacrament. 

She discussed how her son was really determined in blessing the sacrament. Before he was able to bless the sacrament , he was told he needed to memorize the sacrament prayers. 3 weeks later he had sacrament prayers memorized.  He further talked to his bishop and got the blessing to recite the sacrament prayers. Of all the times he said the sacrament prayer (every week in whichever ward he attended) he never had to repeat the sacrament prayer. Since his death Susan listens to the sacrament prayer more closely every Sunday. 

D&C 59: 9-12 

What do we learn from these verses? Keep ourselves as unspotted from the world as possible

9 And that thou mayest more fully keep thyself unspotted from the world, thou shalt go to the house of prayer and offer up thy sacraments upon my holy day;

 10 For verily this is a day appointed unto you to rest from your labors, and to pay thy devotions unto the Most High;

 11 Nevertheless thy vows shall be offered up in righteousness on all days and at all times;

 12 But remember that on this, the Lord’s day, thou shalt offer thine oblations and thy sacraments unto the Most High, confessing thy sins unto thy brethren, and before the Lord.

The closing hymn was #185: Reverently and Meekly Now. This is the only hymn where Jesus is speaking to us.