Parenting series notes: Helping foster independence and responsibility in adolescent children while maintaining age-appropriate boundaries

Important Principles

Commit to thoughtful parenting in partnership with your spouse if applicable.

• Practicing being intentional parents
• Am I in or not?  “I’m all in.”
• Esp. important given that age 0-8 is the formative stage and the only time to set your child’s trajectory.
• Deliberate focus.  Silicon Valley pace = at least one of you has to be committed to the parenting thing.  If you have 2 parents full time, it’s too easy to get consumed w/ your job.

Children/teens have zero tolerance for adult hypocrisy.
If what you’re doing now isn’t working, try something different.

Cannot teach them just to be responsible.  Responsibility can’t be taught; It has to be caught.

• Power of failure sans rescue.
• Empathic language “Oh, that’s a bummer” vs. “I told you so.”  
• Risks of hovercrafting robs child of opportunities to fail.  Consistent rescuing messages to the child you cannot be trusted to do it yourself; similarly you rob them of the pride that results from doing it themselves.
• Some differences btw. rescue vs. being on the same team are:
• Is it a pattern?
• Is the child taking initiative to ask for what they need or are you automatically just coming to their rescue?
• Are they willing to make some kind of appropriate trade for the effort they are asking you invest in whatever the rescue act?

Challenging parenting types/patterns to be aware of

• Supercharged helicopter parents
• Military drill sergeant parent
• You want to trigger the prefrontal cortex brain vs. the amygdala
• If you cannot control your upset, better to keep the mouth shut vs. flipping your lid
• Laissez faire = the parent doesn’t know what to do so they do nothing
• Child ends up despising/having contempt for the parent b/c they need boundaries & limits

Takeaways = show love and logic through allowing natural consequences to take their course

Adults must set firm, loving limits, using enforceable statements without showing anger, lecturing, or using threats.

When a child causes a problem/encounters a problem, the adult shows empathy through sadness and sorrow and then lovingly hands the problem and its consequences back to the child. (The monkey is on the back of the child, not the parent...the child feels responsible for solving the problem.)

• Set up the environment so they can fail being careful to insure that their failure only impacts them, not others.
• Set them up for success with expectations clearly stated that include choice A or choice B both of which
• Involves no skin off your nose
• Both of the options will work for you
• This allows them to be agentic

• The principle of eating the elephant

• Story of Aaron & 4th grade & forgetting the Explorer report notecards
• Need for diligence in our own faithfulness w.r.t. our attitudes to the church
• What is coming out of my mouth today and how will that impact my children tomorrow?  What am I saying today when my kids are little and how is that going to rollout when they are teenagers?
• Example 1:  We’re on vacation so we don’t need to go to church.
• Kids can sniff out hypocrisy from a mile away and will write you off if they perceive you to be a phony
• Example 2: Todd’s siblings talking ill about their father in front of their father is now being repeated by THEIR children about their own fathers.
• It’s never too late...
  
  
  Building self confident kids who listen to their internal voice instead of peers, media
  The Stool Analogy:
  Leg 1: They feel Unconditionally Loved by their special people (parents)
  Leg 2: “I have the skills I need to make it.”
  Never pass judgement on the work of children when they are trying to learn...work with them, make it fun.
  Leg 3: I am capable of taking control of my life
  Allow them to learn to make decisions at a young age by giving them two choices that are acceptable to you…
  Encourage them to solve the problem.
  
  The Power of Example - study this talk!
  A Prayer for the Children, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, April 2003 GC
•  Resources:
  “Parenting with Love and Logic” by Foster Cline and Jim Fay
  
  These authors have parlayed this concept into a huge business..tons of online resources, tons of stuff to buy, speakers, classes, etc. We put a few links below from their website, but really just encourage you to check the book out from the library or buy a copy of the basic book above if interested. There are some good principles to consider, without needing to become a devoted follower.
  
  The book above will outline how to be a Consultant Parent. Examples of effective language that will encourage your child to learn how to solve their own problems and become a responsible child/teen/adult, are found within.

 Handout Links:
This link is a sample of what your life could be like if your children don’t learn how to take care of their own business when they are young...and some possible steps that will be needed to encourage the young adults to be independent:
https://www.loveandlogic.com/articles-advice/when-its-time-for-them-to-get-a-life

https://www.loveandlogic.com/articles-advice/parents
https://www.loveandlogic.com/parents/faq

Family Councils - July 24, 2016

Tina taught our lesson from the April General Conference talk "Family Councils" by Elder M. Russell Ballard.

She detailed the four kinds of councils Elder Ballard spoke about:

1. Full Family Council (both parents and all children)*
2. Executive Council (just parents)
3. Limited Council (both parents and one child)
4. One-on-one Councils (one parent and one child)

*this can also be applied to a roommate situation also

"Now, brothers and sisters, there was a time when the walls of our homes provided all the defense we needed against outside intrusions and influences. We locked the doors, closed the windows; we shut the gates; and we felt safe, secure, and protected in our own little refuge from the outside world.

Those days are now gone. The physical walls, doors, fences, and gates of our homes cannot prevent unseen invasion from the Internet, the Wi-Fi, the mobile phones, the networks. They can penetrate our homes with just a few clicks and keystrokes.

Fortunately, the Lord has provided a way to counter the invasion of negative technology that can distract us from spending quality time with each other. He has done this by providing the council system to strengthen, protect, safeguard, and nurture our most precious relationships.

Children desperately need parents willing to listen to them, and the family council can provide a time during which family members can learn to understand and love one another." ("Family Councils")

"My brothers and sisters, the irony of being parents is that we tend to get good at it after our children are grown." ("Family Councils")

• How do you gather your families together for councils?

Keeping the Law of Chastity - August 9, 2015

Colette T. taught from Chapter 17: Keeping the Law of Chastity  in the Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Ezra Taft Benson with examples she has seen in the world and teachings from the For the Strength of Youth pamphlet. She reminded us of the many supporting influences we can be to youth learning this principle.

"Our Heavenly Father desires nothing for us but to be happy. He tells us only those things that will bring us joy. And one of the surest principles given by God to help us find that joy is the law of chastity. I pray with all my heart that you will consider most solemnly the joyful consequences of keeping this law, and the tragic consequences of violating it."(Keeping the Law of Chastity)

"When you are sexually pure, you prepare yourself to make and keep sacred covenants in the temple. You prepare yourself to build a strong marriage and to bring children into the world as part of an eternal and loving family. You protect yourself from the spiritual and emotional damage that come from sharing sexual intimacy outside of marriage. You also protect yourself from harmful diseases. Remaining sexually pure helps you to be confident and truly happy and improves your ability to make good decisions now and in the future." (For the Strength of Youth)

Temple baptistry update

The Oakland Temple has made changes to the scheduling for performing temple baptisms to put priority on families coming to the temple together.

Families can make an appointment or on a first-come basis.

Peak-demand schedule:
Tuesdays, 5pm-9pm :    Family/Walk-ins
Wednesdays, 5pm-9pm: Ward/Stake appointments
Thursdays, 5pm-9pm:    Family/Walk-ins
Fridays, 5pm-9pm:        Ward/Stake appointments
Saturdays, 5:30am-2pm: Ward/Stake appointments
Saturdays, 2pm-5pm:     Family/Walk-ins

The general schedule of the baptistry is:
Tuesdays, 5am-9pm
Wednesdays/Thursdays/Fridays, 7am-9pm
Saturdays, 5:30am-5pm

Patrons are also invited to consider participating at the baptistry during the non-peak demand hours.

Another change is that each ward/branch in the temple district can only schedule one appointment time during the peak-demand times each year. They will no longer be automatically 90 minutes but will instead be based on the number of patrons participating.
Units are invited to provide, when possible, a sufficient number of endowed brothers and sisters to assist in the baptistry.  For the family/walk-in time slots, as well as other times throughout the day, the temple is responsible for providing workers to assist the patrons.

Though ordinances should be performed in the proper sequence, patrons do not need to perform both baptism and confirmation ordinances on the same day.




3:40

Free Forever, to Act for Themselves - December 28, 2014

Our last lesson of 2014 was given by Tina D. using Elder D. Todd Christofferson's talk Free, Forever to Act for Themselves about agency given to man.

"It is God’s will that we be free men and women enabled to rise to our full potential both temporally and spiritually." (Free, Forever to Act for Themselves)

'[from "Henry V"]"Every subject’s duty is the king’s; but every subject’s soul is his own." comes down to "who bears responsibility for what happens in our lives? When things go wrong?' (Free, Forever to Act for Themselves)

As children get older you hope they draw on what you tech them but they have their agency.

"But God intends that His children should act according to the moral agency He has given them" (Free, Forever to Act for Themselves)

"Nor will His prophets accept the role of “puppet master” in God’s place." (Free, Forever to Act for Themselves)

You may feel like a puppet master of your children's lives but sometimes we need to let them make mistakes to learn and use their agency.

'We should (and we do) rejoice in the God-ordained plan that permits us to make choices to act for ourselves and experience the consequences, or as the scriptures express it, to “taste the bitter, that [we] may know to prize the good.” ' (Free, Forever to Act for Themselves)

• Why must we taste the bitter to understand?

Thanks Tina for a great lesson!

Planning for a temple marriage - September 7, 2014

We had the Young Women join us and Wendy P. taught a lesson about the temple and attributes of a good marriage.  Though not all women will marry in this life, there are many principles in the scriptures pertaining to marriage.

And again, verily I say unto you, that whoso forbiddeth to marry is not ordained of God, for marriage is ordained of God unto man. Doctrine & Covenants 49:15

When Wendy was in high school a teacher asked what to look for in a good husband.  Wendy answered, "a good kisser!" Looking back she saw how there were many more important values that a partner should have.

• What are good attributes to look for in a suitable husband?

Acceptance of who I am, a sense of humor and can laugh at himself, how a son treats his mother, being kind, one who holds the priesthood, honest, trustworthy, puts other's needs before his own.

In the celestial glory there are three heavens or degrees; And in order to obtain the highest, a man must enter into this order of the priesthood [meaning the new and everlasting covenant of marriage]; And if he does not, he cannot obtain it.  Doctrine and Covenants 131:1-3

Even after over 30 years, marriage is still a work in progress.  Once sealed, a couple still needs to keep the commandments, live the gospel, go to church, pray and maintain their relationship.

Elder Russell M. Nelson said, "a temple marriage is not only between husband and wife; it embraces a partnership with God." (Celestial Marriage, October 2008 General Conference)

• What can you be doing to be temple ready?

Go to the temple often and build your relationship with God.

Thanks for a great lesson Wendy!

Lesson Summary: August 10, 2014

Tina D. gave the lesson from Chapter 19 In the World but Not of the World with emphasis on how to help the youth.

"Despite the grief President Smith experienced [at the loss of his son], he was comforted by the memory of Lewis’s good life." (Chapter 19: In the World but Not of the World)

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
John 14:27

Tina has felt the comfort and peace that President Joseph Fielding Smith spoke of since she's joined the Church. Trials seemed easier, and now there's peace, often through priesthood blessings.

• Think about some challenges our youth face today when their parents are not with them?

We need to give them as many opportunities to go to Heavenly Father before they leave our homes and let them know that they love you in all circumstances.

And when he had called the people unto him with his disciples also, he said unto them, Whosoever will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; but whosoever shall lose his life for my sake and the gospel’s, the same shall save it. For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?
Mark 8:34-36

This scripture can be daunting to youth but they need to accept that they are enough, they can consecrate themselves to the Lord, and He responds with abundance.

And that thou mayest more fully keep thyself unspotted from the world, thou shalt go to the house of prayer and offer up thy sacraments upon my holy day; For verily this is a day appointed unto you to rest from your labors, and to pay thy devotions unto the Most High;
Doctrine & Covenants 59:9-10

"Nothing is so distressing or shocks the feelings of a refined person more than to hear some uncouth, ignorant, or filthy creature bandy around the name of Deity. Some individuals have become so profane that it appears almost impossible for them to speak two or three sentences without the emphasis--as they think--of a vulgar or blasphemous oath."
(Chapter 19: In the World but Not of the World)

It can be hard to live up to the Gospel. Basic commandments are challenging in this world, especially as a youth.
Tina related a story from a vacation to Las Vegas. After becoming frazzled protecting her boys she prayed for help and saw the promotional street teams ignore her sons she knew she needed to let go and trust the Lord will take care of them.

• What can we do to help the youth stay strong in making good choices in such situations?

Teach them your process for dealing with life's struggles, how prayer can lead to the best choice.

• What are the blessings when we do keep the commandments?

Instead of seeing the commandments as limiting and punitive, see them as "Joy guidelines."