"The Language of the Gospel" by Elder Valeri V. Cordon- May 28, 2017

Sister Miller led our discussion using the April 2017 General Conference talk by Elder Valeri V. Cordon "The Language of the Gospel"

Learning a New Language-
 The question was posed- What has helped you learn a new language?
     *Practice
     *Immersion
     *Studying every day
     *Relying on the spirit
     *Reading the Book of Mormon in another language
     *Try no matter what and don't give up
What has helped you retain the second language?
     *You have to continually use it and speak it or you lose it
     *Without continual practical experience, it doesn't stick.
   
Learning a new language is not easy, but worth it! We can liken learning a new language to learning and retaining the language of the gospel. How do you learn the language of the gospel?

Elder Cordon relates how he noticed when he moved with his family to the United States that many families lose their native language by the third generation. He does not want us to slowly lose the language of the gospel through the generations.

What do we need to do to retain the language of our Heavenly Father and the feelings and testimony we had when we came to the gospel?

Elder Cordon suggests we start with the basics!
1. Be more diligent and concerned at home
2. Strong Modeling in the home
3. Traditions- Avoid traditions that pull you away from the gospel and focus on traditions that help you draw closer to Christ

What keeps us strong in the gospel everyday?
-Pray and read from the scriptures (even listen to them on audio if you are busy)
-Live the gospel daily
-Read the Book of Mormon every day
-Exercise an increase of love when dealing with your children and try to be a Christ-like example so the spirit can be stronger in your home
-Share the gospel with others continually

Elder Cordon reminds us to have family home evening regularly so that your children can have a foundation in the gospel and receive the teachings they need to build their testimony

"Powerful teaching is extremely important to preserve the gospel in our families, and it requires diligence and effort." -Elder Cordon

Parenting series notes: Helping foster independence and responsibility in adolescent children while maintaining age-appropriate boundaries

Important Principles

Commit to thoughtful parenting in partnership with your spouse if applicable.

• Practicing being intentional parents
• Am I in or not?  “I’m all in.”
• Esp. important given that age 0-8 is the formative stage and the only time to set your child’s trajectory.
• Deliberate focus.  Silicon Valley pace = at least one of you has to be committed to the parenting thing.  If you have 2 parents full time, it’s too easy to get consumed w/ your job.

Children/teens have zero tolerance for adult hypocrisy.
If what you’re doing now isn’t working, try something different.

Cannot teach them just to be responsible.  Responsibility can’t be taught; It has to be caught.

• Power of failure sans rescue.
• Empathic language “Oh, that’s a bummer” vs. “I told you so.”  
• Risks of hovercrafting robs child of opportunities to fail.  Consistent rescuing messages to the child you cannot be trusted to do it yourself; similarly you rob them of the pride that results from doing it themselves.
• Some differences btw. rescue vs. being on the same team are:
• Is it a pattern?
• Is the child taking initiative to ask for what they need or are you automatically just coming to their rescue?
• Are they willing to make some kind of appropriate trade for the effort they are asking you invest in whatever the rescue act?

Challenging parenting types/patterns to be aware of

• Supercharged helicopter parents
• Military drill sergeant parent
• You want to trigger the prefrontal cortex brain vs. the amygdala
• If you cannot control your upset, better to keep the mouth shut vs. flipping your lid
• Laissez faire = the parent doesn’t know what to do so they do nothing
• Child ends up despising/having contempt for the parent b/c they need boundaries & limits

Takeaways = show love and logic through allowing natural consequences to take their course

Adults must set firm, loving limits, using enforceable statements without showing anger, lecturing, or using threats.

When a child causes a problem/encounters a problem, the adult shows empathy through sadness and sorrow and then lovingly hands the problem and its consequences back to the child. (The monkey is on the back of the child, not the parent...the child feels responsible for solving the problem.)

• Set up the environment so they can fail being careful to insure that their failure only impacts them, not others.
• Set them up for success with expectations clearly stated that include choice A or choice B both of which
• Involves no skin off your nose
• Both of the options will work for you
• This allows them to be agentic

• The principle of eating the elephant

• Story of Aaron & 4th grade & forgetting the Explorer report notecards
• Need for diligence in our own faithfulness w.r.t. our attitudes to the church
• What is coming out of my mouth today and how will that impact my children tomorrow?  What am I saying today when my kids are little and how is that going to rollout when they are teenagers?
• Example 1:  We’re on vacation so we don’t need to go to church.
• Kids can sniff out hypocrisy from a mile away and will write you off if they perceive you to be a phony
• Example 2: Todd’s siblings talking ill about their father in front of their father is now being repeated by THEIR children about their own fathers.
• It’s never too late...
  
  
  Building self confident kids who listen to their internal voice instead of peers, media
  The Stool Analogy:
  Leg 1: They feel Unconditionally Loved by their special people (parents)
  Leg 2: “I have the skills I need to make it.”
  Never pass judgement on the work of children when they are trying to learn...work with them, make it fun.
  Leg 3: I am capable of taking control of my life
  Allow them to learn to make decisions at a young age by giving them two choices that are acceptable to you…
  Encourage them to solve the problem.
  
  The Power of Example - study this talk!
  A Prayer for the Children, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, April 2003 GC
•  Resources:
  “Parenting with Love and Logic” by Foster Cline and Jim Fay
  
  These authors have parlayed this concept into a huge business..tons of online resources, tons of stuff to buy, speakers, classes, etc. We put a few links below from their website, but really just encourage you to check the book out from the library or buy a copy of the basic book above if interested. There are some good principles to consider, without needing to become a devoted follower.
  
  The book above will outline how to be a Consultant Parent. Examples of effective language that will encourage your child to learn how to solve their own problems and become a responsible child/teen/adult, are found within.

 Handout Links:
This link is a sample of what your life could be like if your children don’t learn how to take care of their own business when they are young...and some possible steps that will be needed to encourage the young adults to be independent:
https://www.loveandlogic.com/articles-advice/when-its-time-for-them-to-get-a-life

https://www.loveandlogic.com/articles-advice/parents
https://www.loveandlogic.com/parents/faq

Family Councils - July 24, 2016

Tina taught our lesson from the April General Conference talk "Family Councils" by Elder M. Russell Ballard.

She detailed the four kinds of councils Elder Ballard spoke about:

1. Full Family Council (both parents and all children)*
2. Executive Council (just parents)
3. Limited Council (both parents and one child)
4. One-on-one Councils (one parent and one child)

*this can also be applied to a roommate situation also

"Now, brothers and sisters, there was a time when the walls of our homes provided all the defense we needed against outside intrusions and influences. We locked the doors, closed the windows; we shut the gates; and we felt safe, secure, and protected in our own little refuge from the outside world.

Those days are now gone. The physical walls, doors, fences, and gates of our homes cannot prevent unseen invasion from the Internet, the Wi-Fi, the mobile phones, the networks. They can penetrate our homes with just a few clicks and keystrokes.

Fortunately, the Lord has provided a way to counter the invasion of negative technology that can distract us from spending quality time with each other. He has done this by providing the council system to strengthen, protect, safeguard, and nurture our most precious relationships.

Children desperately need parents willing to listen to them, and the family council can provide a time during which family members can learn to understand and love one another." ("Family Councils")

"My brothers and sisters, the irony of being parents is that we tend to get good at it after our children are grown." ("Family Councils")

• How do you gather your families together for councils?

Marriage and Family - Ordained of God/The Sacred Callings of Fathers and Mothers

Thanks to Rebecca S. for a great mash-up of two chapters from the Ezra Taft Benson Manual: Marriage and Family—Ordained of God and The Sacred Callings of Fathers and Mothers.  Kind guidance for us as a daughter, wife or mother, if we are now or are preparing to be. I know I've applied many of these to my role as an aunt.  Thanks again Rebecca!

There can be no satisfactory substitute for the home. Its foundation is as ancient as the world. Its mission has been God-ordained.

No nation ever rises above its homes. This Church will never rise above its homes. We are no better as a people than are our firesides, our homes. … The good home is the rock foundation, the cornerstone of civilization. It must be preserved. It must be strengthened.
 

Some people ask me as a Church leader why we place so much emphasis on the home and family when there are such larger problems around us? The answer is, of course, that the larger problems are merely a reflection of individual and family problems. (Marriage and Family—Ordained of God)

The scriptures tell us: “Adam began to till the earth … as I the Lord had commanded him. And Eve, also, his wife, did labor with him. … They began to multiply and to replenish the earth. … And Adam and Eve, his wife, called upon the name of the Lord. … And Adam and Eve blessed the name of God, and they made all things known unto their sons and their daughters. … And Adam and Eve, his wife, ceased not to call upon God.” (Moses 5:1–2, 4, 12, 16.)
 

From this inspired record we see that Adam and Eve provided us with an ideal example of a covenant marriage relationship. They labored together; they had children together; they prayed together; and they taught their children the gospel--together. This is the pattern God would have all righteous men and women imitate. (Marriage and Family—Ordained of God)

• Have you had times when your two vantage points merged together?

Spiritual growth comes by solving problems together--not by running from them. Today’s inordinate emphasis on individualism brings egotism and separation. Two individuals becoming “one flesh” is still the Lord’s standard. (See Gen. 2:24.) (Marriage and Family—Ordained of God)

"I said what I said and I meant what I said, an elephant is loyal 100%." Horton Hatches the Egg

Be fiercely loyal.

• How do you create a foundation of support?

Sister Benson acknowledged: “No one is perfect. In our family it is not our objective to magnify each other’s shortcomings, but to encourage one another to improve.” (The Sacred Callings of Fathers and Mothers)

Tantrum Remedy - Alison H.

Year: 1984, Baby #2. Scene: Toddler #1, a beautiful angel of a child up till then, had become  the instant proverbial Two Year Old (TM) now that she had competition for my attention. These screaming fists-pounding-the-floor temper tantrums? Where on earth had they come from? And of course when she cried the baby cried in sympathy and pretty quickly we were all miserable while I tried to reason with her, hug her, scold her, time her out, anything, please make something work.

I heard from one mom much later that what she had done was to get down on the floor alongside her little kid and throw a no-holds-barred tantrum act herself, fists and feet flailing, making her kid stop and look at her like, Are you crazy? Why are you making this scene? In public!

But that was years in the future.

In tired new-mother desperation one day, I called my Mom.

Mom said, Offer to pour cold water on her head.

Me: Say what?

Mom: Offer to pour cold water on her head. A little cold water does wonders on tantrums. Trust me.

Note that she didn’t say to just pour it, she said to make it the child’s decision.

So then I was just waiting for my chance, curious to try it, and hoped it would come at a time at home where I had instant access to the tap. It was. She did.

I smiled sweetly, totally knowing I could do this, and in my best loving-Mom voice asked, Sam? Would you like me to pour some cold water on your head?

NO! MILK!

Given who the clean-up crew would have been on that one, thanks, we’ll let that suggestion pass, and I quickly half-filled a cup at the sink. She screamed away and I poured out just a few drops into the top of her blonde curls–just enough to get her attention.

Instant end of tantrum while she assessed this new outcome. (Me: Wow! Magic!)

The next time she threw a tantrum we were again, thankfully, at home, and I smiled and happily reiterated the offer.

End of screaming fit. Like flipping a switch.

After that I only had to offer I think once more ever.

She learned at the ripe old age of 27 months that she didn’t have to be controlled by rage but could stop. That she could respond instead to my being loving to her. It required I be at my best for it to work, and I wasn’t going to risk losing a foolproof method by fooling with it with a bad mood, but it let her be her best, too.

And I felt like the best Mom ever.

So, with a thousand thanks to my Mom and her wisdom, I pass the idea along.


Thank you Alison for the wisdom!

Individual Responsibility - October 19, 2014

Natalie M. taught from Chapter 23: Individual Responsibility in the Joseph Fielding Smith manual with direction from the scriptures and Daughters in My Kingdom.

from “A Wide and Extensive Sphere of Action” in Daughters in My Kingdom

After break out groups discussed certain scriptures each reported some of the following findings:
We can only give ourself, recognizing it's personal and gradual.
Be cheerful and patient, Heavenly Father is there to get us through our burdens, turn to Him to get strength. He knows our problems and visits us in our afflictions.
See needs and do. Have faith, remain humble. Before we help others, we need to be able to take care of ourselves. Service by not having to constantly rely on others.
We can be more open to be angels to lift others.  Asking for and receiving help is part of being self-reliant, recognizing when you need help.
Do things in the Lord's way and time, don't be prideful.

• What can we do to teach children self reliance?

Start teaching skills at a young age, let them gain ownership. Give them space to be, to rely on The Lord.
Watch your attitude when serving or being self-reliant, don't be stressed out, see a need and get it done.
Be good example. "Cook your own turkey, put up your own tent"

February 23, 2014 - All-hand Relief Society Meeting

We had all the blessing of our Relief Society sisters who serve in Primary and Young Women join us for a meeting of uplift, encouragement and peace.

We had beautiful muscial numbers by a quartet of Brandon W., Erik J., Todd M., and Dave D. singing "There is a Green Hill Far Away" and by Lanae S. accompanied by her husband Daniel with "Savior Redeemer of My Soul".

Using President Henry B. Eyring's "To My Grandchildren" talk from the October 2013 General Conference, the Relief Society Presidency delivered messages about the atonement in their lives.

• Sue A. spoke about how through parenthood she has learned more from the Savior, of forgiveness, of patience.  He doesn't hold grudges and forgives her mistakes she makes as a mother.  In the Family Circus cartoon, it was noted in Grandma Quotes: The road to heaven allows u-turns. She shares her deep love for her children with them so that they know and she feels how much she is loved by Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.
• Kim H. shared that she doesn't have the ah-ha moments that some report of spiritual learning, she has a lot of faith in the principles and applies them.  She has always felt God's love for her and through repentance has grown in her understanding of what the Atonement means and leads her to a deeper love of the The Lord.
• Catherine B.'s thoughts centered around her struggle in mothering, she has felt the transformative power of the atonement bring joy that has empowered her abilities.  In choosing a picture of Christ for her home, she values one of Him looking at a child and learns to love as He does.

We ended our meeting with a symbolic snack as Christ did when he shared fish and honeycomb with his disciples.

Each of you are a special and vital part of our Relief Society and we cherish knowing and serving you!
Thank you to everyone who attended and for those who helped make the meeting extra special.


A special thank you to the men and youth that filled in for our sisters in their teaching roles for this special meeting.

Lesson Summary: February 2, 2014

President Hancock gave a wonderful stake presidency message. The following summary is only a summary and can never be a substitution for the wonderful presentation of President Hancock.

There were 4 topics of discussion
1) The stake presidency loves us
2) They want to tell us (the women) what they are telling the men in the stake
3) Discuss a few observations about women in the stake
4) The stake presidency wants our feedback. Q&A

1) The stake presidency loves us

• This is a topic of Infinite expanse. We are women of different backgrounds, goals and life challenges.
• The stake presidency wants to love us and support us. They acknowledge that women in our stake don't get enough help 

2) What are they telling the men?

• Understanding priorities
• First- wife, second- children, third- employer, fourth- church 
• They want all families to eat dinner together every night
• Do whatever it takes to eat dinner together every night – we believe this practice has welding power for families.
• We, of the stake presidency, don’t want ANY church activities scheduled anytime between 5-7 p.m.
• Read to children (together with wife)
• This should be a regular part of the rhythm of life, 
  that reading together becomes a regular family activity.
• Private things should be between you (couple) and the Lord 
• The way you carve out roles and responsibilities between husband and wife is a private matter.
• Stake presidency will never prescribe how it is done 
• ie: how your organize around your priorities, how you raise your children, when you conceive your children, what kind of employ you accept is completely up to you/your spouse/God.
• Both men and women are nurturers
• All men should feel like they are nurturers of children
• Men are capable of nurturing- they are encouraged to seek and acquire virtues. 
• Unity is the crowning virtue in the home
• All husbands and wife should be truly unified
• reference: John 16&17,  pray they will be one(as the father and son are one)

3) A few observations about the woman

• A lot of the women don't think they are good enough
•  The stake presidency loves us the way we are, they wish we would feel more secure
• Message: we think you are MORE than sufficient. 
• They have observed that the women seem to be more prone to insecurities
• For example: women will see something in another women.  But instead of celebrating this talent, she will see this as something as her own inadequacy.
• Message:  We wish you would feel more secure. 
• We are under stress
• Message: The way you prioritize your life is between us and lord (have confidence in life choices
• Worst place to turn is to society. 
• We don't get enough help 
• Message:  This grieves us.  We’re trying to talk to the men about this. We’re trying to work on this.
• We are prone to depression
• Depression doesn't need reason and doesn't require explanation
• Message: They understand this and are anxious to be providing love and tenderness for those battling these issues
• Reference: Elder Hollands talk in October 2013 conference 
• We should talk about this, not whisper about it
• Society tells terrible lies about women
• Suspect this is grievous to the The Lord
• Message: Stake presidency acknowledges this and doesn't want the women in stake comparing themselves to impossible standards
• Find confirmation of own worth from The Lord.  
• We make long checklists
• Checklists stress us out
• See if you can make a shorter check list
• Be strategic about how to use time
• Message: They think we do enough... Think about being instead of doing  

4) Q&A

• Q. How do you not stress out about callings? 
• A: Is this the right calling for me right now in my life?
• Cycle is completed when you confirm this calling is right for you with the Lord
• Q. How do you build spirituality in a marriage? (Deserves lesson of own) 
• A: The wonderful thing about marriage is that we’re completely incompatible --- no one has the same spiritual DNA; wonderful thing about marriage is that is a school. Have to figure out how to build. Sometime it requires recognizing the differences and celebrating them. It is so important to have dialog – if your lips are moving that’s a great sign. If the partners go silent, then something fundamental has happened and surgery is required.

The Gospel is not a club to beat ourselves with, 

but a pillow we lay our head 

    This poem reflects how the stake presidency feels about you. 

LOVE

Love bade me welcome; yet my soul drew back,

Guilty of dust and sin.

But quick-eyed Love, observing me grow slack

From my first entrance in,

Drew nearer to me, sweetly questioning

If I lacked anything.

“A guest,” I answered, “Worthy to be here.”

Love said, “You shall be he.”

“I, the unkind, ungrateful?  Ah my dear,

I cannot look on Thee.”

Love took my hand, and smiling, did reply,

“Who made the eyes but I?”

“Truth, Lord, but I have marred them; let my shame

Go where it doth deserve.”

“And know you not,” says Love, “who bore the blame?”

“My dear, then I will serve.”

“You must sit down,” says Love, “and taste my meat.”

So I did sit and eat.

George Herbert

1593-1633