Parenting Series Notes 3/14: Toddler troubles: Helpful hints for dealing with potty training, eating and sleep issues, tantrums and other battles

“You do not have to make your children into wonderful people. You only have to remind them that they are wonderful people. If you do this consistently from the day they are born they will believe it easily.”

We watched a film clip from The Miracle Worker when Helen Keller throws an endless and exhausting tantrum at dinner but Anne Sullivan did not give in to the poor behavior and after much effort, she taught Helen Keller how to sit and eat with a fork and fold a napkin.

Points to Remember as a parent:

• Repetition doesn't mean you're doing it wrong. You'll have to keep teaching. There is no single point of arrival. As soon as a problem will resolve itself another will come.

• Toddlers shouldn't get a bad wrap.
• Supposed to test limits and explore
• Goal: don’t put them in a rigid box

• Kids come with strong God-given personalities
• Kids are like orange juice concentrate - you have to keep stirring and adding water until the become sweet and well-balanced.
• Kids sense your energy. Stay in control - always evoke calm, assertive energy

WHAT TODDLERS NEED: Love Routine Consistency Repetition Praise Discipline Assurance

WHAT PARENTS NEED: Time Commitment Energy Patience Persistence Perspective

Things to think about and discuss with your partner:

• What qualities do we want our children to possess?
• How do we want it to feel in our home?
• What rules/expectations of behavior should we have for our children that will reflect our family culture and values?
• Brainstorm consequences, positive reinforcement techniques:
• Do some detective work:  When do you notice tantrums occurring the most?  What chronic naughty behavior do you want to tame?  What changes can you make in the environment to help your child make good choices?

Sleep:

• 1-3 year-olds need 12-14 hours
• 3-5 year-olds need 11-13 hours
• 5-10 year-olds need 10-11 hours
• 10-17 year-olds need 8.5-9.25 hours

Eating:

• Limit options - don't offer everything but serve a variety of healthy options
• Do your best to have the kids sit at the table to eat
• Calm/assertive - kitchen is the parent’s territory

Boundaries and discipline:

• Be a detective when kids are acting up. Evaluate and fine tune. Find out:
• have they eaten?
• Have the slept well?
• What friends have they been with?
• What show have they watched?
• Be consistent
• Get down on eye level to speak with children
• Use clear language when speaking and disciplining
• Don’t use a high voice
• Time outs
• Good rule of thumb is 1 minute per age of child
• Bedroom is typically not the best place for time out
• Kids should not be happy in time out
• Don’t start the time out until they have calmed down

Time out (minute per age, not in their room) - shouldn't be happy in time out - don't start time until they calm down - sand timers

Suzi and Gordon’s tips and tricks:

• Try again
• Mama’s hands are busy
• 54321
• One or none
• The happy way or the sad way
• Don’t ask yes or no questions when the child doesn’t have a choice
• Don’t lie (“monster spray”, “I’m going to leave without you”)
• Positive reinforcement as much as possible
• It’s okay to be shy, it’s not okay to be rude
• Portable consequences/time outs
• Don’t be embarrassed: you are a disciplined parent and are doing the right thing!
• Try not to compare:  have compassion for yourself and for your toddler
• Use detective work to help refine/readjust your child’s routine
• Find a village of people who can support you/self care
• Model respectful language between parent/child, child/sibling
• TEAMWORK
• CONSISTENCY
• Disciplined parent = disciplined child

References:

Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth, MD

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

* How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen:  A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 by Joanna Faber and Julie King

1-2-3 Magic:  3-Step Discipline for Calm, Effective, and Happy Parenting by Thomas Phelan

Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay

Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child:  The Heart of Parentingby John Gottman, Ph.D., Joan Declaire, and Daniel Goleman

The Explosive Child:  A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated Chronically Inflexible Children by Ross W. Greene, Ph.D.

Keys to Parenting Your Anxious Child by  Kathraina Manassis, M.D.

Parenting a Child Who Has Intense Emotions:  Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills to Help Your Child Regulate Emotional Outbursts and Aggressive Behavior by Pat Harvey and Jeanine Penzo

Loving Solutions:  A Parent’s Guide to Raising Tough Kids, ages 5-10 Years by Ralph “Bud” Fry and Dr. Roger H. Morgan

Parent Education Classes at Children’s Health Council: chconline.org

* Haven’t read, so cannot personally recommend, but it might be worth checking out..